This isn't a real update. Just wanted to say hi! and 🏳️🌈 Happy Coming Out Day! 🏳️🌈 Have a wonderful day!!! Regardless if you're out or not!! (and be careful!! the world is a scary place. don't out someone against their will and don't out people who aren't safe!! stay safe!!!) The rest of this post is a personal post, which admittedly wasn't how at all how I planned to use this site/blog, but it is October 11. My Coming Out I've considered coming out a number of times - the only person I have (kind of) done it to is my sister. I've wavered. I've gone through those stages of thinking Oh Yeah Of Course I'm Straight Because Everyone Is, and then Oh No She's Hot, and, Wait am I gay? yeah. I haven't come out to my irl friends or other family. (but I keep a pride flag in my kitchen. a small one in a flower pot)(so far no one has said anything about it) So, um, you know nothing about me other than that I'm writing these fics but: hi!! I'm bi!! (kind of) sad fact: my sister is fine with me liking anyone regardless of gender. But I'm questioning my own, and that ... is not as okay with her. twice I've tried to explain my identity to her, and twice she's shut me down with basically implying that you're either cis or binary trans, nonbinary people don't exist, I couldn't be bc I haven't changed my name and I sometimes wear dresses and sometimes trousers (mostly the latter, but there's very little meaning to that in today's world). and that sort of silently crushed me in even more doubt. I have those fem days and those masc days and those days I don't care, or don't want to care. I'm already breaking norms and it's ... tiring, always being in doubt and feeling unsafe. Online, I'm mostly out with my using they/them pronouns, but irl I don't dare to embrace my identity and outwardly present as a genderfluid person. Because there are these fixed ideas people have got about nbs. that we're thin and flat and androgynous and idk ""pretty"" with a pixie cut - so me, fat, unattractive, I'm not ""allowed"" to be nb. especially with my (undiagnosed) autism. (Which is also a thing that my family firmly believes I Cannot Be, because I have a job and can survive small talk, and according to some NTs (neurotypicals), autistic people Can't Do That. idk, my thoughts are still complicated.) What I have figured out and feel pretty comfortable about is that I'm pan/biromantic & demisexual, which means I generally need to form strong emotional bonds before feeling any kind of sexual attraction to people, and they can be of any gender, doesn't matter. But I tend to use the words bi/pan or queer (reclaimed! and I totally understand and support people who don't like this term!!), bc those are generally understood. I like queer especially because it's so broad. I admit I project this on John when writing these fics (and other characters and stories). I remember I tagged nou ani atlantus with "headcanoning John as demi", and Rodney is bi. I want to introduce a nonbinary character, but we'll see when and where that happens. So. Okay. There it is. (deep breath) Maybe one day I'll feel safe and brave enough to come out to my whole family. They aren't extremely conservative, though I'm not sure how they voted this year and that kind of....scares me, (and makes be a little angry) because of the way the world is and I think they'd sort of be okay with me being queer "in theory", but in reality, I don't know. I don't know. So that is my coming out story as of 2018. 🏳️🌈
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